“Now” by Jen Ayers

“Now” by Jen Ayers (Summer of 2008)

Closer up to 30 now
With a damaged brain sure is how
I now live my life through depression and stress
Trying to cope with loss, deficits and distress.

Tis funny how I’d always been
Called bitch or goddess almost living in sin
I need to accept this new life I now live
Not only to forgive myself, but to begin again

365 days of headaches
With no relief in tow,
And sometimes it feels that lake pushes out,
Pushing deep and hard above my snout

They move around and up and down,
Changing in intensity.
Sometimes a Stargate* surge in back of head
And when it gets bad, I should stay in bed.

Abnormality in brain, I don’t know where,
Unsure of effect, or should I not care.
A slight concern without any knowledge,
But hey at least I graduated college.

Physical and psychological consequences suck,
Practically leaving me all amok
The tbi I acquired in a minute,
It feels as thought I’ll always be stuck in it.

Friends are now few and far between
Alone is mostly how I be
My high school friends event left,
Which left me feeling quite bereft.

I don’t know how to behave
In crowds of people who all act the same
When I speak out most look at me strange,
Pretend I’m not there or think I’m deranged.

Sometimes I feel lost, solo, and alone.
Will I ever find a new home?
I’m Jen, the goddess, with a few slight mistakes,
Maybe I should just stop taking bakes.

When I finish my book, I hope I am better.
I feel like a high schooler, for that’s best remembered.
Relationships are hard, whether friend, family or lover.
Please God, someday, let me find another.

We’ll disappear from the people we know to a small wooded town where we’ll be unknown.
I’ll paint and I’ll write with nothing to bother for I’m so sick of people and just getting hotter.

I’ve made some mistakes, but never on purpose, said and done things that I just never should have.
Not usually thinking of the effects of my actions, just acting my feelings; seeing only what I wanted to happen.

I’m sorry to Chris, to April and my parents, a friendship is what I would’ve like to have with them.
I pushed for too much, too fast and too soon; well maybe I should just focus on the moon.

A finish to this is what I now need, a profession, a job, without all the greed; to move forward with my life, my goals and my dreams, someday soon, I’ll hopefully succeed.